CHAPTERS
0:51 Welcome to the Show
1:20 America's Laughter Unpacked
2:43 Rami Youssef Joins the Conversation
2:53 The Education Secretary's Missteps
8:00 A New Subject: Terrorism
11:09 Analyzing Trump's Health Report
16:18 The Case of Kilmar Abrego Garcia
22:30 Legal Insights and Predictions
24:22 Closing Thoughts and Future Episodes
AI TRANSCRIPT WITH TIMECODES
Music:
[0:00] Music
Speaker0:
[0:47] Thank you, Shadoe! Welcome to the show. This is the only show that brings order to comedic chaos. And we do two things in every episode. We have a great episode here today. We do two things every time. First of all, we have one rule. And that's the rule. Never explain a smart joke to an idiot. If that offends you, well, you're the idiot. Number two, we always answer. This is the only show that answers the same question with every episode. What did America laugh at last night?
Speaker0:
[1:15] Well, last night, America laughed at so-called terrorists. We laughed at a pretend terrorist. We laughed at his plight. There were jokes made about the people causing a plight for a certain person who's been declared a terrorist. Not a terrorist.
Speaker0:
[1:31] Some people have power, says he is. So we're going to unpack that. You got a great segment on that. The late night gods were very good to us last night. We have a lot of stuff to bounce off of. We're going to tie it up in a nice little bow for you. We also laughed at the president's body image issue. I love that. His body image issue. I brought that line from the lovely and talented Rami Yusuf, the guest on The Daily Show last night. He did a great spot with Jon Stewart. It's not that typical that guests are fantastic on late night TV. So he's sort of guest of the night. And the interesting thing is that Rami came along and did that spot. He's got a new series out called Number One Happy Family USA. That's the title. Number One Happy Family USA on Amazon. It's animated Family Guy style, Simpsons style animation. It looks really great. I checked out the trailer. I haven't looked at the show yet. Don't even know if it's quite on yet, but it looks fantastic. Rami's fantastic. Did a great spot with Jon Stewart. and Rami came along and unwittingly provided the glue that allowed me to sort of paste together a story.
Speaker0:
[2:43] And we're going to talk about.
Speaker0:
[2:46] We're going to kind of talk about what's going on against the backdrop of what
Speaker0:
[2:50] happened on Late Night last night and what Rami had to say to Jon Stewart. And if that's not enough, the entire country and perhaps the world has been laughing at this idiot right here, Mrs. McMahon from the wrestling family, the United States Secretary of Education. Check out this idiot right here.
Speaker6:
[3:07] I heard, I think it was a letter or a report that I heard this morning. I wish I could remember the source, but that there is a school system that's going to start making sure that first graders or even pre-Ks have A1 teaching every year starting that far down in the grades. And that's just a wonderful thing. It wasn't all that long ago that it's, we're going to have internet in our schools. Now, okay, let's see A1 and how can that be helpful?
Speaker4:
[3:34] The woman running the department of education is the only person in America who doesn't know about AI.
Speaker0:
[3:43] Or maybe she does know.
Speaker4:
[3:44] Maybe what she's telling us is the way to better learning is steak sauce.
Speaker0:
[3:50] The people on the panel was sitting right there nodding their head like this is all completely normal. Yes. When it comes to our children, the stakes are high. That's why we have A1 because the stakes are high. What's your beef?
Speaker0:
[4:05] A1. Got an ox to grind? A1. I'm the secretary of education. I'm in charge of, oh, and did I mention, I heard that a school system is incorporating A1, a single school system. Wait a minute. I am the school system. Wow. Okay. That's not why I called. I called for the reasons I said earlier. Let's get this started, right? Let's do a little piece of Rami Youssef's series. Was it number one, happy family USA? There it is. Today, we're going to be studying a new subject, terrorism. Are you ready, class? I hold in my hand the first executive order that Donald Trump signed as president. On January 20th, 2025, the lovely and talented Donald Trump signed 27 executive orders. And one of them was Executive Order 14160, protecting the meaning and value of American citizenship, right? Citizenship does not automatically extend to persons born in the United States. Well, keep that thought in mind, right? You may have thought differently. Just hold that thought for a minute. Let me introduce Ramey to you this way. Ramey did a stand-up set on Stephen Colbert's show back in 2017. 17. There's a minute or two of Grammy doing standup right here.
Speaker1:
[5:28] And then he says some things that are definitely true. Like they have nothing to do with the debate, but Hillary would be up there and she would be like, this is what I'm going to do about ISIS. This is how I'm going to bring back jobs. How about you, Donald? And he'd just be like LaGuardia airport sucks.
Speaker1:
[5:43] I'd be like, it does, man. Dude, Hillary hasn't talked about LaGuardia all year. She's lying. Check the emails. And now we're here. I just, I still think we're going to be okay. I really do. Cause I believe in God, like, like God, God, not yoga, but, and I know that's a weird thing to say. I get it. You know, religious culture can be crazy. I don't agree with all of it. I grew up in a town where I watched my gay friends struggle to come out to the religious community. And now I live in LA where I'm a religious person struggling to come out to the gay community and tell them what I think. And they're just like, you believe in God, dude, that's so gay. I just, for me, God is hope that there's more to life than what's in front of us. You know, that even if things seem impossible, there's still a chance that it could be okay. And I'm not trying to be preachy. I'm really not. Like, all I'm trying to say is just, just submit to Islam because it's the truth. And that's the only way you'll be saved. Seriously. That's the only way.
Speaker0:
[6:59] That's a good joke right there. And then here's Rami, eight years later, last night with Jon Stewart.
Speaker3:
[7:05] Islamophobia and antisemitism are such brethren in like different moments you know
Speaker1:
[7:09] Yeah but we got like a really bad end with our like islamophobia is so weak like it just sounds like well yeah because it's like arachnophobia or like what it just sounds like oh yeah you had a weird islamic experience as a kid huh you got a little islamophobia oh man no no but no you can get over it just like try some halal meat and then like you'll get over like you know it's like Islamophobia it's like a shellfish allergy he's like oh yeah no like no he doesn't want any he has Islamophobia like it sounds so benign anti-semitism is like whoa like dude like what you know what do you want about you know so I think even from just on a on a real word language level we're at an incredible disadvantage I
Speaker3:
[7:53] Never thought of it that way yeah
Speaker1:
[7:57] And that's because you're Islamophobic.
Speaker0:
[8:01] And that's like wild. And that sets us up perfectly for the first segment, regardless of the late night show you may have watched last night or wherever you watched on YouTube or whatever. You laughed at circumstances surrounding the plight of Abrego Garcia. Check it out.
Speaker2:
[8:22] One of the inmates currently in that prison is a Maryland man legally working here in the United States, married to an American citizen with American children. His name is Kilmar Albrego Garcia.
Speaker3:
[8:34] Undocumented migrant from El Salvador, married an American woman, has a kid living the American dream.
Speaker2:
[8:41] He was kidnapped by ICE and rendered to the torture prison because what Trump's own lawyers have admitted was an administrative error.
Speaker3:
[8:48] If only there was a convenient and timely way that the prisoner could be brought back to the United States, that wouldn't really inconvenience either nation.
Speaker0:
[8:57] President Bukele at the moment flying from El Salvador to Washington, D.C.
Speaker3:
[9:01] Bukele can just give Garcia a ride. You don't even have to give Garcia the middle seat. I'm sure Garcia would just grab the wing and Tom Cruise it over here if he had to.
Speaker0:
[9:11] Do you plan to ask President Bukele to help return the man who your administration says was mistakenly deported? Well, let me ask, Pam, would you ask to answer that question? That's up to El Salvador if they want to return him. Do you plan to return him? I don't have the power to return him to the United States.
Speaker2:
[9:29] Yes, you do. You're a dictator. All you have to do is dictate that he gets out of prison, then go on orbits and get him a one-way ticket to Maryland. And his torture will be over as long as you don't fly him on Spirit Airlines.
Speaker0:
[9:45] You look at what's being done to Mr. Albrego Garcia and his family sitting down there in some El Salvador maximum security prison, getting tortured, doing God knows what and people doing God knows what to him. Right. And it's Easter for crying out. Stephen Colbert is a devout Catholic. Jimmy Kimmel raised Catholic. I know Kimmel was an altar boy. Colbert was an altar boy. I was an altar boy. I don't know about them. I was an altar boy for six years. Never molested by a priest. Not once. What was wrong with me not everybody is thinking of easter although many people in the trump administration are in the holiday spirit donald trump is a genius very different in the best possible way the president has an athlete's mindset accessible freewheeling refreshing it is like christmas every day with president trump the white house release the results of President Trump's physical exam, his doctors say President Trump exhibits excellent physical health.
Speaker4:
[10:43] His active lifestyle continues to contribute significantly to his well-being. He stays fit thanks to frequent victories in golf events.
Speaker0:
[10:52] The report says he's six foot three, 224 pounds.
Speaker3:
[10:56] He has a front butt.
Speaker2:
[10:58] His well-being was also due to a cruel and different universe where good, hardworking people are routinely diagnosed with terminal illnesses,
Speaker2:
[11:04] but an objectively evil monster who only eats cheeseburgers and fried chicken lives forever. The world is chaos. There is no God proven by his frequent victories in golf events.
Speaker4:
[11:21] This is Trump's doctor, the guy who wrote this up, Navy Captain Sean Barbabella. He is, uh, that's, that's also the face he made when Trump dropped his pants in the...
Speaker0:
[11:31] Can I just stay over here.
Speaker2:
[11:31] And poke him with a broom for a while?
Speaker3:
[11:34] I wonder, I mean, do you think, when you're surrounded by that, like, imagine being in a room with all your cabinet secretaries, and they're kissing your ass so hard that it does seem sarcastic. Like, do you think he goes back into, like, the bathroom afterwards and be like, do they really think I'm bringing a new era?
Speaker1:
[11:55] I think he might. I mean, they're kissing his ass, and he obviously has, like, body image issues. He's lying about the weight and the height. And then like, oh, and then, and then like, you know, John Stewart's over here talking about a front butt and stuff.
Speaker0:
[12:11] I mean, the guy.
Speaker1:
[12:12] The guy is, no, I don't think you did. And he's going through, I believe he's going through something physical and he happens to be the president of the United States. And I think we got to just kind of look at it from every angle. My dad grew up in the city, you know, like I grew up with my dad working in the city. And it was so funny to me when you go through midtown and you see the news ticker on the fox news building and it's saying all these horrible headlines about muslim countries and muslim people and then you kind of look right down and there's the halal cart right on the corner and you see all the guys with the fox badges buying food from the halal cart guy and i was like man this guy's got the best hustle because he knows like they're in there and they're saying all this stuff about muslim people but then there's that like guilty part of them on their lunch break that's like let me try a little halal you know and he's right there to make the buck and so when we started making this show i had always been so fascinated by that guy there and and that becomes the dad in the show so
Speaker0:
[13:11] Then they start talking about social media and donald trump are.
Speaker3:
[13:14] You on truth
Speaker1:
[13:16] Yeah oh yeah i got at rami from the beginning to make sure and you actually any arab name you can just get on truth it's really easy like as of like it's available like you could oh like cheap they get them cheap you could get at muhammad right now 100 every spelling is available on truth yeah it
Speaker0:
[13:41] Really is a cleansing going on an attempted cleansing now this is already being litigated courts have already caused this order being enforced. In fact, there was a hearing today in district court. And there was also an order from the Supreme Court regarding this fellow Mr. Albrego Garcia. Now, it has been wrongfully reported in the corporate media that this was a unanimous opinion. It's not a unanimous opinion. A unanimous opinion is when all nine justices of the Supreme Court agree. And there are no dissenting opinions. Here, this is called a procurium opinion. We don't know who wrote it. Nobody knows who wrote it. It's procurium. It's just the voice of the court, right? So the two justices who dissented, they agree that Mr. Albrego Garcia should be returned, but they think the court in speaking with one voice that that voice should have been stronger.
Speaker5:
[14:47] I don't understand what the confusion is. This individual is a citizen of El Salvador. He was illegally in the United States and was returned to his country. That's where you deport people, back to their country of origin. Except for Venezuela, that wasn't refusing to take people back or places like that. I can tell you this, Mr. President, the foreign policy of the United States is conducted by the president of the United States, not by a court. And no court in the United States has a right to conduct the foreign policy of the United States. It's that simple. End of story.
Speaker0:
[15:15] At least he didn't say A1. That's a start. Here's the deal. Marco Rubio is right. The president does have this authority. And what the Supreme Court did was largely symbolic. The Supreme Court, it's only a two-page opinion. That's nothing for the Supreme Court. They normally write 100-page opinion. The Supreme Court knows they don't have the authority to order Trump to bring this guy back. But what they did with this procurant opinion, where they all signed on, Or is there kind of winking at him going, come on, dude, do the right thing here. You know what the right thing is. Do the right thing. Get this guy back.
Speaker0:
[16:06] This guy's never coming back. And here's how we know. And this is what I mean when I say Rami Youssef really is the glue for this whole story today.
Speaker0:
[16:19] This is from the New York Times a couple of days ago. Judge rejects 9-11 confession, fighting torture. This story is a short story about a guy named Amal Abamuchi, 47. He's been locked up without charges at Guantanamo since shortly after the events of September 10th, 2011. He's got no rights.
Speaker0:
[16:52] And he's still there. And there's nothing to say that he's going to be going anywhere anytime soon. His lawyer said, yeah, the judge is ruling and rejecting the 9-11. So the hearing was about this guy's confession.
Speaker0:
[17:13] And they extracted the confession from him through torture. He was tortured so many times that the confession was thrown out. It was illegal. So the United States tortured. It tortured under George Bush. It tortured under Obama. Obama killed citizens with missiles. He killed Anwar al-Awlaki. He killed Anwar al-Awlaki's 15-year-old son with missiles. All Trump did was ship a non-citizen back to his country. I say all he did kind of with a wink and a nod. Here's the thing. Donald Trump is going to make the United States Constitution stronger. Because when I say all Trump did was ship a citizen back to his country, mind you, that citizen is not guilty of any crime here. He was subject to a previous federal court order saying he should not be removed. But the Trump administration removed him anyway, and they admitted they did it erroneously. But they're lying when they say there's nothing they can do to get him back. I mean, they just got people down from out of space for crying out loud. The Biden administration said they couldn't do that. Trump administration figured it out. The Trump administration closed the border and kind of, quote-unquote, solved the border thing in two seconds.
Speaker0:
[18:26] The Trump administration can be coercive when it decides to, but it's decided it's not going to do anything. This guy's never coming back. Who knows how many years he's going to be in that prison under that Gucci dictator. It's terrible. He's got a wife here who's a citizen. He's got children here who's a citizen. He received no due process. And people are more upset about this because it's Trump than they were when Obama killed citizens with missiles from drones, which he did on purpose. They're more upset with Trump doing this than they were when Obama just on his own decided to involve Trump.
Speaker0:
[19:08] The United States armed forces in the civil war in Libya. They're more upset with Trump. That's why I say Trump is going to make the United States a better place to live. Because when Trump does something, it's neon. Because Trump is neon. He's a shiny object. And he has people's attention. And I would argue that democracy in the United States has never been stronger because of that. People are paying attention. Lawyers are paying attention. Some of the lawyers are bending over for Trump, while other lawyers are really fighting. And did you know, not only do people who cross the border, people who cross the border into the United States unlawfully, they're guilty of no crime. And because it's a civil offense, they have no right to counsel. The right to an attorney only applies if you're charged with a crime. So when these families cross the border, they get separated and other children end up in family detention centers. I remember when Obama was the president, he was posing down at the Texas border, Texas and Mexico border with his college roommate or whatever, Jay Johnson, who was in charge of Homeland Security. And they were showing pictures of this prison they had built down there called a family detention center that was owned by, it was either owned by GeoGroup or CoreCivic, but it was privately owned, traded on the stock exchange.
Speaker0:
[20:33] That was Obama. And of course, those prisons are proliferated. And the private prison companies are very happy about the Trump administration. These are boom times. So this is Rami Yusuf, who always tries to take the other point of view. That's what comedians and storytellers do. And I'm not taking the position that Trump is going to make the United States better to be contrary. I believe it to be true because my understanding of the law, everything I've been through in a 30-year legal career that started with being a criminal defendant in federal court in my late 20s, everything I've been through, I've learned one thing, 30 years, that everything is legal. Everything is constitutional until a judge says otherwise. And a lot of judges are saying otherwise a lot. And so when you hear about these executive orders, you should be happy because in many cases, it's the person who holds the most powerful office in the world.
Speaker0:
[21:43] Doing things that are clearly unconstitutional. And there are going to be so many opinions that come out that clarify this. Now, this executive order here that tries to get rid of birthright citizenship in the United States, it's just long been the case that if you're born here, you're a citizen, regardless of, and everybody, everybody on U.S. Soil is entitled to the protection of the Bill of Rights and the Constitution.
Speaker0:
[22:12] Furthermore, if you are a U.S. citizen, you travel overseas, the Bill of Rights and the Constitution travels with you. You do not leave it when you leave our shores. So these are just some basic principles that everybody should know, and I am excited that people are paying attention to this.
Speaker0:
[22:31] And it's only because of Donald Trump they're paying attention. Why? Because Donald Trump is doing a lot of stuff. They're ready. They're taking their shot. And while there are no remedies for Mr. Albrego Garcia, there are remedies for people here in the United States. And I believe that this attempt to get rid of birthright citizenship is going to completely fail. That's my prediction. And I also predict that Garcia may never get out of that prison. Just like this poor guy sitting down at Guantanamo because he got picked up in some field in Afghanistan. And in both cases, in the case of this guy in the New York Times, in the case of Garcia, it was just people saying, you're a terrorist. That's it. You're a terrorist.
Speaker0:
[23:29] Those same people could say that about you, or someone you care about. You don't have to look like Rami Yusuf to be called a terrorist. They can say that to anybody. So there you go. That's some food for thought, right, for Easter. And we look forward to seeing you back here next time. Late night is dark next week. We might have one more show this week. But late night always takes the third week of April. They always go dark. Late night hosts get about 12 weeks off. off, but if we can get the material to respond to, it all starts with the late night hosts. If we can get the material they're talking about, and they're always talking about constitution, the bill of rights, the law, politics, comedy, all of those things are present on all the late night shows.
Speaker0:
[24:18] And that's what I like to use as a basis of these episodes. So thanks for swinging by. We hope you got some value out of this today. And I get about 25 more of these episodes out of my mouth. These are unscripted. I'm working from a rough outline.
Speaker0:
[24:36] They need to be unscripted or I can't turn them around fast enough. But as I get about 20, 25 shows out of my mouth, Things will be very tight, move along very fast. The format will be very predictable. And I hope you'll consider coming to a free subscriber. And then as we get better, I hope you consider coming to a paid subscriber. The goal is to put up five episodes a week and to have them be there at five o'clock in the morning, Eastern time, like clockwork. It's going to take me a little time to get all the workflows baked so that I can do that. Because I do everything myself. I do the lighting. I do the sound. I do the camera work. I do the pre and post production. I do the editing. I do everything, soup to nuts on my own. And it's quite a lift. I think it's a lift we're doing. And if you're listening to an audio-only version on one of the many podcast platforms that are out there for audio only, go to latenightlastnight.com. That's latenight, N-I-T-E, latenightlastnight.com. I'm on Substack, and this is on video on Substack. And Substack is getting really good with video. Very excited about that. They support free expression. So a free expression, First Amendment, the right to assemble, the right, the separation of state from church.
Speaker0:
[25:49] Being able to access the courts, being able to speak and think right freely. These things are important to you. Please become a free subscriber. And then hopefully I'll earn your business as a paid subscriber someday. So for now, my name is Mark Whitney. This has been Late Night Last Night. We'll see you next time. and between now and then, for the love of God, whatever you do, keep banging. Here, this is for school. Do you think it'll help you with school?
Speaker1:
[26:23] No.
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